My dick is so big.

My dick is so big, they're exploring the mysteries of the universe by crashing shit into it. Maybe you've heard of the Large Hadron Collider? Yeah, they spelled it wrong and it's my dick.

My dick is so big, the Dow jumped 300 points last time I ejaculated.

My dick is so big, its full name is The People’s Democratic Republic of My Dick.

My dick is so big, it undergoes redshift when becoming erect, due to the Doppler effect.

My dick is so big, jacking off requires the assistance of Jack Bauer and squad of marines.

My dick is so big, Osama bin Laden wanted to blow it up but couldn't wrangle up enough airliners.

The concept of dark matter has come about because the universe appears to have a lot more mass than we can actually detect, and so we invented dark matter to make up for the mass discrepancy. That extra mass that scientists can't find? That's not dark matter, that's my dick.

My dick is so big, 7-11 has new drink sizes: Big Gulp, Double Gulp, and My Dick.

No "Nantucket"

A horny young boy, with a bucket,
Trapped a duck and proceeded to fuck it
Far too roughly (it died),
Took it home, had it fried,
Because 'twould be wasteful to chuck it.

A Ball's Best Friend

I like to think of myself as a "Be all you can be" kind of guy. I'm not talking about the US Army, but their slogan seems appropriate anyway. I love to learn new things, to improve my lot in life, to improve my physical condition.

Until recently, though, it had not occurred to me that this philosophy should extend to my balls as well as my brains. In my mission to be the best man I could be, I had ironically neglected to consider my man parts. And that's just sad.

Not that there's anything wrong with my twig 'n' berries per se; my genitalia have been repeatedly confirmed in scientific studies to be "massive", "awe-inspiring", and "an excellent source of nutrition". As it turns out, however, even the most majestic of erected structures can be improved with some effort put into landscaping, and I had been profoundly delinquent in that area.

Sure, I'd taken a whack at it before, with an electric razor (fruitless), scissors (like mowing grass with a wire cutter), and even the legendary Gillette Mach 3 (sharp blades + my balls = NO THANK YOU SIR), but nothing really stuck out as a practical maintenance tool for the ol' crotchbeard until I discovered the Ballshaver 9000, more commonly referred to as the Philips/Norelco Bodygroom (hit blue "BODY" link on the bottom right:

Truly, an elegant ballshaver for a more civilized age, an invaluable ally for any Crotch-Jedi and his meatsaber. With three length settings, a man can decorate his Tower of Power with a neat hedge, intricate fuzzy animal shapes, or nothing but sheer flatness for that extra optical inch on his donger.

Me, I generally opt for a neat square Hitler stache to give Big Jim and the Twins a slightly menacing look: when you see this Pink October coming your way, you know it means business, and I'm not talking about nuclear war.

At least, not before a little foreplay.

Thus ends today's pilot episode of Masterpenis Theatre. Any requests or questions for our future adventures in genitalia may be posted in the comments section, and will be addressed as soon as possible.

Until next time,
Richard Johnson